i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
