He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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