I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
