i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
