If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
