So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
