I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
