i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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