i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
