I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
