So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
