I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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