I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
