oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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