I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
