Even the bartender felt bad for me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
