i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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