"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
