Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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