It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
