don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
