Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
