She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize