i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
