I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
