chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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