I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
