They should really pass out barf bags in church
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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