I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
