My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
