guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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