Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
