It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
