2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
