don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
