The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
