Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
