At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
