yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
