I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
