I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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