textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize