you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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