Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize