Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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