I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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