Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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