She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
