He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
