I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize