I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
