Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
