Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
