please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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