He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
