last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
